Growing up, Lent was a symbol of sacrifice and ritual. As a cradle Catholic, I practiced many traditional rituals in preparation for Easter, including no meat on Fridays (we ate a lot of rice and eggs). Visitations and Stations of the Cross each week, fasting on Good Friday, no TV, music, or playing between the hours of 12-3 pm on Good Friday, attending confession weekly and committing to giving something up for Lent. For me it was always chocolate or sweets. (I think I made it 48 hours one time.)

I left Catholicism at 20 for various reasons, since that time the season of Lent has morphed into something very different for me. While, I understand the rituals I practiced growing up were designed to be a reminder of my preparation of Christ’s resurrection and the sacrifice he made for me, I never truly felt it, because I never truly owned it. I never questioned my faith; I simply accepted everything told to me. So now, I question everything.

Tim called me a few weeks ago and he did the “ask”. You know the Tim Tate ask… it’s like the slow motion sound you hear right before something bad is going to happen. How is your Lent going? Would you be willing to share on Palm Sunday? So of course, I tried to reason with him, Are you sure you don’t want me to talk on Mothers Day, I can talk all day about why God called me to be a mother. But this, are you sure? Are you sure? Well, he was sure. Certainly more so then me.

Let me explain my hesitation. I forgot to attend Ash Wednesday service. I haven’t focused on scripture, I haven’t gone above and beyond to help others, I haven’t joined a prayer group or made a single sacrifice, and of course I still question EVERYTHING.

So, here I am- in front of you today, professing my shortcomings. Sharing with you my Lenten experience in hopes it will help you as you enter Holy Week. So how has this Lent changed me? My faith leaves me with questions? I spend much my time in prayer saying “So are you really sure I am the right person for this?” or “How can I be sure, I am doing what you want and not what I want?” It’s in those moments that I find myself saying okay, I surrender, I accept you know best and that you will give me the grace and guidance to overcome the challenges that lie ahead for me. But - I must admit even in those times, I am still scared and unsure.

Many of you may not know this about me, but I have a fear of heights. Escalators, roller coasters, etc… Well, when I was 25, against my husbands’ better judgment, I decided to go skydiving. I made the decision to jump out of a perfectly good airplane at 30,000 feet somehow rationalizing that if I can do this, I can do anything.

It’s not the actual jumping that is scary; it’s the anticipation as you climb, climb and climb. I was a bundle of nerves, I kept saying to the others – is this it? No, higher, - Is this it? No, higher still...

The intense feeling of the unknown and the waiting and more waiting was almost unbearable. But then, it was my time. I inched my way to the open door, I remember it was loud, it was cold and everything was very fast. I looked out and down and without thinking I rocked back and forth three times, crossed my arms and let go…

In many ways this is what Lent has meant to me this year. I don’t have any answers or profound words of wisdom. I can’t say that I did a whole lot different this year, except that instead of relying on the rituals of my past, I allowed myself to be okay with questioning my faith and surrendering to God and letting go. It can be scary – but the feeling in the end is AMAZING!